The Holiday Effect

What follows was originally shared in the UVM End-of-Life Doula Program December 2022 newsletter.

Doula Thoughts by Greg Brown
UVM EOLD Instructor and Fall '19 Alumnus

As an Instructor for the University of Vermont’s End-of-Life-Professional Certificate Program, I’ve come to notice that many folks who are called to end-of-life work tend to fall into one of two categories. On the one hand, there are those who have accompanied a loved one on a particularly difficult death journey, and who now feel called to help others avoid a similar experience. On the other hand, there are those who’ve witnessed the deep meaning, love, and lasting memories that can be the unexpected gifts of a more prepared, intentional, and supported death journey.

I’ve experienced both sides of this coin. My mother died two days into the New Year in 2010. Her quick decline surprised all of us in her family. She kept her grim prognosis a secret until it could be kept no more. She entered hospice five days before she died, giving family and friends very little time to say goodbye. Seven years later, my father died on December 28th. This time, the family was more prepared. Sad as it was, we knew the day was coming, and we had a tender and beautiful holiday season together. We even sang Wham’s “Last Christmas” around Dad’s bed, making fun memories for his grandchildren (my niece and nephew).

I’ve since learned that there’s no right or wrong way to handle such a prognosis, and I don’t blame my mother for her choice to keep her imminent death a secret. I share both my parents' stories to highlight that we can heal and learn from the difficult deaths we companion, and that we can hold space for those tender memories alongside happier ones from the end-of-life journeys where we had more time together, and perhaps more professional support.

As an instructor for the UVM EOLD course, it's been a privilege to read so many learners' stories of walking the labyrinth of grief.

It's been a remarkable comfort to learn that I am not alone in my experience of the holiday season, which forever carries with it both good and bad memories of dying loved ones. A quick internet search will confirm that more people die over the holiday season than at any other time of year. (See, for example, this article.) There are many theories to explain this “holiday effect,” and it’s likely a combination of factors. All of us who’ve read Final Gifts (one of the two required books for the eight-week EOLD Professional Certificate course) have witnessed the life-sustaining power of a person’s desire to spend one more holiday season with family. Love is a powerful force that can sometimes keep the weakest of hearts beating until a particular loved one arrives to visit one last time.

All this is to say it’s likely that many of you reading this will be living through times of deep grief this holiday season. It is my hope that these moments will be balanced with less tender memories ⁠— and even moments of joy. Regardless, it’s important to know you’re not alone. At some point or another, we all walk this walk. If this is your first holiday season without your son, your partner, or your mom, I honor your grief. My wish for you is that you hold space for all that comes up, and when you are ready, don’t resist leaning into the memories that bring you peace and joy.